"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."
- George W Bush
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." - George Carlin
"An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body."
- Jim Hayes
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." - Kurt Vonnegut
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." - Pearl
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain
"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."
- George Bernard Shaw
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places." - Mark Twain
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." - Robin Williams
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'" - Tommy Cooper
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire."
- George Bernard Shaw
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." - George Carlin
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." - Winston Churchill
"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on Earth. So what the hell, leap!" - Peter McWilliams
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." - George Carlin
- George W Bush
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." - George Carlin
"An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body."
- Jim Hayes
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." - Kurt Vonnegut
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." - Pearl
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain
"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."
- George Bernard Shaw
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places." - Mark Twain
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." - Robin Williams
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'" - Tommy Cooper
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire."
- George Bernard Shaw
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." - George Carlin
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." - Winston Churchill
"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on Earth. So what the hell, leap!" - Peter McWilliams
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." - George Carlin
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